"Frankyln" My moment away movie

Sometimes in my moments away....

I have a room in my house, in the back, with a little tv/dvd player where I watch ADULT movies. 

No! Not the kind with some overinflated bimbo and a man that resembles a overly endowed TROLL that ventured a little far from the bridge. But movies that I just never got to see in the theaters or ones that are obscure enough to where they don't show up in our regular theatres. This usually means to the normal consumer, a pretty predictable movie is in the easily accessed theater, and the REALLY good movies aren't. Well I watched "Franklyn" directed by Gerald McMorrow.

Honestly, I fell asleep in the middle of this movie...now don't blame the movie, I had been packing for a snowboard trip, it wasn't it's fault, it was just past my bedtime.  I did think that it was weird, and not what I expected (this is keyword for predictable-there's not too many that I can't figure out what's going to happen in the first 5 minutes). So I watched it again today, and then again, and watched all the extras on it. I saw more scenes that made sense each time I watched it! This weird movie is simple but yet kind of convoluted in a good way. Now after you go to netflix and look at the description, keep in mind that it is NOT what it seems. I will give you a little idea in papercraft speak....

You find this piece of 12x12 paper that is two sided...One side is familiar the other is kind weird but they both  compliment each other. It's on sale too!

You fold it in half and notice the familiar side the corners are bent up, some not as bad as others but they'll function. So you fold it in half again. Wow they are really funky, and what is this weird thing on it? Oh well just leave it, it compliments them both. So you unfold it, and begin to match the corners up in the middle, and lo and behold, they all match up and don't look so bad after all. You hold it up to the light and notice you can see both patterns and they look fantastic together and the folded lines are razor sharp. Wow you never expected that to be so awesome to look at! 

So ignore the stuffy movie critics who've forgotten how much fun it is to go someplace different, and have a handy explanation when your childs Sunday school teacher explains that it's not conducive to churchgoers to watch "adult movies", and definitely not when the kids are awake.

The Knot

So, I'm in the bathroom, doing what people do when they're in the bathroom, praying for a few moments without questions...such as 

"Mommy Can I have a pony?" 

 "NO you many not have a pony." tears from the wee one 

"But you said I could have a Pony!" 

"I've never said you could have a pony!"(sob sob sniffle)....Can I have a donut?"

"Yes after you finish your breakfast.."

tears again and a general look of injustice "But you said I could have a donut!" You get the general idea of how our question and answer sessions go.

As I was saying, I was resting in the bathroom..why there, you ask? Because it's the only room in the house that has a lock, because we've had children locked in there rooms before and had to use an ax handle to get in. That is something I will go into at a later date. 

Where was I....oh! So I'm sleeping in the bathroom, when Logan comes to the door and tries to put his eye at the bottom of the door,  because you see as he see's it,  I hear better when he can see me. So I'm looking at his hair and his ear, he's crying "Mommy! Shelby's stuck!"

"How is she stuck Lo?"

"I don't know!"

"Shelby, what happened?" I ask.

"My pretty scarf is stuck together, and I'm dying!"

"Can you breath, Shelby?"

"Yes" she cries.

"I'll be there in a moment"

So after realizing that my peaceful ME moment is gone, I go to inspect the sticking scarf and my child in her death throes. Here is what I found.

My close friends all understand that Shelby likes knots, she loves to tie her dolls together, and shoelaces tied together is her favorite sneaky act. And here is evidence of her skills.

If your wondering how I got the picture, it's really very simple. My rule on my island is "when thou hast done a stupid act, Mommy takes photographic evidence of the aforementioned stupidity." I even have video!

The Praying Mantis and my boy's butt

The Praying Mantis and my boy's butt

We heard the boy jumping around in his room....he was hitting something...finally, he's figured this is a job for Mom and Dad...so he presents himself butt first to Dave."Get it out Daddy!" He's yelling, he's only wearing his underwear with his butt already exposed, walking backwards.

 "It's in there! Get it out!" 

"What's in there?" 

"It's a praying mantis in my butt! Get it out....it's right there! Don't laugh at me!" We looked at each other, for one second really believing there WAS a possibility that this boy somehow, managed to get a large carnivorous bug in his butt......because anyone with a boy child understands that boys can get "things" in really inappropriate places most of the time. Like the roly poly's that he was keeping for pets and tried to conceal the truth from me...(Son why is the contents of your underwear drawer on the floor?......"nothing, I'm not doing nothing!" Son that usually means you are doing something..are you going to tell me why? Sobbing and begging begins "please don't throw them away, they're my friends! PLEASE NO!" ....I will not throw them away, you will take them back to their home, no bugs in the house! Much sobbing later he took the bugs back to their rightful place in the garden). But never in a orifice on his body, so after careful inspection and much reassuring we found there was NOT a praying mantis in my boys butt!

Weekly, the kids in Ms.Moore's Kindgergarten class are given the challenge of finding a picture of something that begins with the letter of the week. In this particular week it was the the letter Q, and my boy decided on finding a "quilt". "Great idea!" so I had him a "family fun" magazine and some safety scissors and away he tore thru the magazine to find that quilt. Being perpetually up to my elbows in dishes, laundry, toy retrieval from the dogs mouth, and various other day to day emergencies, I was engrossed in my work. I heard my boy exclaim, "here's a quilt Mommy!", Great I say as I walk to see his work. To my amused horror I saw what he deemed a quilt. Here is a quilt the way Lo sees it....."mommy why are you laughing?" 

....it took me a long time to convince him that this wasn't what Ms.Moore meant, and that this really isn't a quilt. After many questions from my 6 year old boy, that I really had no answers for.... he finally believed me that he needed to find another picture.Whew! Next!

He's not ready to be left alone especially with permanent markers

"DON'T tell HER! NOOOOOO Don't tell HER!" I heard him screaming at his twin sister....."Oh for Pete's sake! What is it NOW?!" I asked, seriously why do I expect them to behave for 60 seconds? that's just too much to ask for....isn't it? His sister marches up to me as HE runs and hides behind the rocking chair, his hand covering the lower portion of his face.....My smart boy hasn't quite figured out how that his concealment efforts usually don't work so well with me and he needs to come up with another way. "I'm not going to tell....but Mommy he feels really bad".

"Move your hand son...move your hand.....move your hand......I won't be mad...but you have to move your hand" I plead, I'm actually already laughing....inside inside.

And the evidence of what I found is in the above picture.....'nuf said.

The Candy Fairy comes to the rescue

Sugar Junkies Beware of the Candy Fairy

I do believe it was my sister in-law who gave me a way out of the misery, I with all the grace I can muster, will share the love.

I was lamenting my issues with disposing of candy and all the tears that go with that nasty business, then she matter of factly told me about the candy fairy... you sign up on-line. (This is basically BS- mommy code meaning the large eared midgets are within hearing distance- not that they normally hear us when we ask them to carry on with their responsibilities BUT of course they hear like freaking deer when we are having a conversation with another adult. Many times we resort to spelling but NOW the government says our children must be somewhat intelligent thus our code is broken yet again. Currently we just lie like dogs).

Here's the deal with the Candy Fairy- "you sign up", while they're at school, or not around, you get the picture. (Now remember you can just lie and say you signed up, seriously, I think Jesus would do it too if he had too).

The children carry on with their normal Halloween activities and begin forming cavities immediately, terrorizing the neighborhood dogs, and old people who hate trick or treaters.

The following day you tell the sugar and face paint stained faces of your adorable children, to pick out 10 pieces of candy (this is up to you..how many minutes of sugar frenzy you can handle...I figure about 10 minutes of misery a day is more than enough extra frustration I can deal with effectively). From here you hand out the tissues for the crying, you will only have to do this once, they catch on REAL fast. After the sobbing has subsided you explain that the candy fairy takes the candy to unfortunate children in developing countries... Ok! Enough! Why the hell should we have all the cavities people?! Why can't we share the Maniacal screaming of Nickelodean watching banshees? Oh because Mom sells gum on the corner? Well I say it brings it full circle, and lest we forget- We're LYING, there is no such thing as a candy fairy! This is our way of manipulating those strung out children! Ok grow up- moving on! Where was I? Oh... so you inform the red faced lillipeutians that upon waking tomorrow morning, they will find in place of the bag o' crap, they will find a brand spanking new toy-a small one if you have enough crap to pick up, such as myself.

Now in reality the candy went to work with Dad, he gave it to the prisoners at the fire camps, they appreciated it and we shared the "love".

Here endeth the lesson.