As I pondered the coming summer, I chewed my fingernails...why chew my fingernails you ask? Well had you been looking in the mirror with me, at what I had to look at, well I'm glad I didn't chew my tongue off.
Drastic measures were called for and fast...Nivea Goodbye Cellulite was needed and lots of it. I plodded to the "beauty" aisle at my local Target (why in the world do "they" call it that? I've not become beautiful since discovering the aisle, in fact it should be called the SAD aisle). What joy I felt when I saw a SALE on my beloved butt creme, it was as if I heard angels sing, "Goodbye dimpled lard ass at a reasonable price", yes I hummed with them, Goodbye to my dimpled lower body, yes toot-ta-loo!
I skipped to the check out area, head happily bouncing from this shoulder to the other shoulder... but alas my happiness couldn't last. I furtively glanced around, left then right, then behind me, as I slowed to a near crawl..
What if someone saw me that I knew...naaaaa who gives a rats butt, they're all the mothers from the hood, they would ask me what aisle I found it on!
Apprehension gone, I scope out a checkstand with a woman checker, goal found, I place my tubes of gooey gold on the belt. Wait....what what what? Where did the lady go with the bad dye job? That's a man at the register! Shift change? What the hell is going on in C town? Can't she eat her lunch at 4:00 pm like the rest of us?
Yes, so my well laid plan went wonky....but it gets better, yes much better! As I get closer to the register I put my enormous sunglasses on hoping they will hide my red face. I know HIM! Yes I know him and his daughter, our children go to school together...in fact they are in the same class.
Later I prayed...."Yes Jesus I learned a lesson, NO I won't wear a ski mask the next time I go to buy my goo. No I will hold my tongue when I see the "well endowed woman" wearing lycra, doing a imitation of 2 dogs fighting under a blanket. Yes Jesus I know those could be my dogs one day without my magical goo. No Jesus, I don't like eating crow....at all, not one stinking bit".
Here endeth my lesson....